Bathroom Etiquette 101

Bathroom Etiquette 101

Why are people so ignorant when it comes to public restroom etiquette? I mean, I don't give a rat's ass what you do in your own shitter, but when you're sharing that space with countless other people, please have some common courtesy!

1. Toilet seat protectors. If they are available, please use one. Note, I said ONE! Not a stack of 'em 3" thick that you then cannot flush so you decide to fold the urine-soaked paper and try to shove it half-assed into the feminine hygiene disposal unit in the stall. Yea, 'cuz we all wanna smell your piss all day long!

2. Speaking of feminine hygiene products - ladies, PLEASE wrap your bloody pads and/or tampons in toilet paper before disposing of them - ideally in the feminine hygiene disposal unit if it's not filled with urine-soaked toilet seat protectors. Do not leave them on the back of the toilet seat if there is no such feminine hygiene disposal unit because you are too embarrassed to walk out of the stall and throw that nasty shit in the garbage. We're all big girls. We all have our little "time of the month". Trust me, no one is going to laugh at you or talk about you behind your back just because you walked out of the stall clutching your used product nicely wrapped in toilet paper. However, if I walk into the stall AFTER you and I see that you've not disposed of your nasties properly, rest assured, I WILL talk shit about you.

3. The Courtesy Flush. Use it, people!!! For crying out loud, isn't it bad enough that I'm subjected to smelling your piss - do I REALLY need to smell your shit, too? C'mon! If you are alone in the bathroom doing Number 2 and someone else walks into that wall of shit smell, do us all a favor and reach back, pull that handle and give it a good flush! And if once is not enough, we won't fault you for flushing repeatedly. Really. Hell, you can even flush to cover up your farting noises if ya want. Promise we won't laugh. Ok, maybe I lied about that one.

4. Hand Washing. First of all, if you work in a hospital, as I do, you should be well-versed on proper handwashing techniques. They are called "Standard Precautions" for a reason. It's a STANDARD. That being said, if the faucet is one of those old fashioned ones that you need to manually turn on and off, please, for the love of all things holy, do not just reach over and turn off the water before you dry your hands. Do you not realize that you've just re-infected your own hands with the same fecal matter that you just spent 15 seconds singing "Happy Birthday" trying to get rid of!!! Please, leave the water running - it's ok, you're not paying the bill - reach over and grab a paper towel, or 2 or 3, I don't care - and THEN use the paper towel to turn off the water. It's really very simple. I promise.

5. Primping. Yes, I know, we all do it. We fix our makeup and brush our hair. But, please, have the common courtesy to a) move the fuck out of the way if someone wants to wash their hands and b) Use a towel and wipe the counter or sink so that we don't have to wash our hands surrounded by your hair - EWWW!!!!

6. Last but not least - squatters. You people are the biggest germaphobes because you won't sit on the toilet seat for fear of catching *something* but yet you have no qualms about leaving your germy piss all over the seat for some poor unsuspecting soul who happens to sit on the seat without realizing that you've tainted it! You are causing the very thing you are trying to avoid. That doesn't make any sense. Why is it ok for YOUR ass to stay germ-free, but not anyone else's? I promise you that it only takes a few seconds to put a toilet seat protector - or even toilet paper if said seat protector is not available - on the seat before you piss. And if you really must be a rude bitch, at least have the courtesy to wipe your own piss off the seat when you're done, because believe me, the last thing I want to do is clean up YOUR piss. It's bad enough that I have to smell it...